I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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