You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize