U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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