I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I could fuck to npr.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
