shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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