I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
