i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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