nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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