so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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