He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
