i just sent this text using only my big toe
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
