Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize