We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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