You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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