just come out here and I will go home with you...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
