Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
