Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
