so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm passing your future prison.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
