I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
They have beer where we have blood.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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