Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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