and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
