The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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