She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
