It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
