went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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