Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
