she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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