mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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