She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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