last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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