I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
