So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
