Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
