i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
