Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
