just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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