sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
