remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
