the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
