why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
