What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
