I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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