Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
