so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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