dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
