I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
