I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
