the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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