there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
