i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
