Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
