I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
