You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize