Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
