I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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