I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
