My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
