I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
